When we died inside.

With the wind blowing against my face, I ran. Smiling to my heart’s content, I looked to my side to see my sister smiling back at me. We weren’t running away from anything. We were just running. Through the beautiful meadow during fall. There was no competition nor did we have an end point. We ran just to feel the wind against our face. Just to remember how it felt like. How long has it been since you ran like that? Can you even remember a moment like that? A time where you were carefree and was let off from all the responsibilities for a moment. When was the last time you played in a meadow with someone or jumped down a waterfall? Can you remember jumping into the cold river and splashing water on everyone? Because, I can’t…

Don’t think to yourself that there isn’t a meadow or a waterfall or a river near your place. Only parks and swimming pools? That’s even worse. It means that the world died with you. Alright then. When was the last time you sat on a swing and rode it at full speed to the top? If you can’t remember, that’s when you know that you are dead inside. But it’s not your fault. People say it’s called being normal, although I call it being dead. You might have to run to your job each day and return late at night and look at all the chores you have to do. There might even be days when you get no sleep at all because of the workload you have to handle. It might all pay off on the day of your paycheck. But until then? Until then, you live tightly holding onto your dreams and hopes. Today and tomorrow, you get up again to survive another day.

“Vague hopes and dry laughter change as time passes. But the sorrow, the wounds and the scars don’t disappear away.” No matter how much we have endured and endured, we easily find tragic times to look at more than happy ones. The times when you sacrificed a time of joy so that you’ll get a little more on your payday. Who are we living for like this? You might look at your child in the distance and say to yourself that you endured everything so that he or she could smile. So that he or she could live in luxury. You look at the smiling face of your child and you feel that you could go through all the hardships in the world. Well, I want you to look in the mirror and see your own smile. Smile at yourself in the mirror and see whether you are able smile sincerely to yourself. See if at least a faint smile is there.

I used to be great at climbing to the top of trees and jumping over walls. Now, I don’t even run towards anything. Literally anything. I can’t, unless I’m late for class. But I hope each day that one day, I can sit on the side of a lake or a river and listen to just the wind and nothing else and lie there for hours. Do you have any hours to spare like that? I have to spend them studying for the upcoming test. What about you? It’s okay if you don’t. There aren’t many lakes that we could sit beside anyway. It’s okay if you’re dead inside. Since everyone in the world is, we’re just one among them. But I hope that one day you’ll be able to run along with your child in the meadow smiling instead of working late hours for the same child while he or she slept alone at home.

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It isn’t you…It’s me…

They are a million ways in which a good friendship can break. And I’m here to tell you about one of the worst ways. The way in which none of them did anything wrong and still a good friendship had gone to waste. Maybe the world was not the right one for such a friendship. And maybe, it never will be.

She never did anything wrong. She smiled at me with a sincere heart and took me along wherever she went. But I could never smile back at her sincerely. To see her beautiful smile hurt me inside. And to think that my smile would never be as beautiful as hers was killing me. But she never did anything wrong. It wasn’t her fault that she was pretty and I wasn’t. But it hurt to know that the guy I liked only spoke to me because I was her friend. Her tag-along that he had to be nice to so that he could be close to her. And she never realized anything. But she never did anything wrong. It was me. Me, who could not face myself in the mirror. Me, who had a stupid inferiority complex that never let me enjoy any of the fun times with her. Being next to her reminded me of how the worlds are different for the pretty ones and the not-so-pretty ones. I started to hate being with her. But she never did anything wrong. It was the way people saw me. The way they treated me. Without her, I had no friends. No one who I could talk to. No one took a second look at me. It was as though I was a worthless person. And it hurt. But she never did anything wrong. She was the only person who treated me without a difference. Even if there was no one in the world who wanted to be with me, she took me in as her best friend. She spent her whole day with me and introduced me to all her friends. She never saw me as an ugly person. She saw the real me and loved me with all her heart. She never did anything wrong…

But…

What did I do wrong? I tried my best to look pretty. But the more make-up I put on, the more I looked like a clown. I tried my best to smile happily so that people would look beyond beauty and recognize me. But no one noticed. The more I spend time with her, more I felt like charity. It hurt the way the world looked at me. Actually, it hurt when they didn’t. She never intended anything. But in the end, whatever she did, I judged myself into a loser. And I became one.

And so, to save me from myself, I distanced myself from her. A good friendship gone ruined because I cared too much. And she never did anything wrong. Yet, she’ll never know why she lost her best friend. She’s a good person. If anyone is to take the blame, it would be me. But what was I supposed to do?