Too Lost To Be Aware

Holding the bag close to her heart, she walked down the street in the rain. So lost that she didn’t even know how dark it had been. Not even able to see where her feet touched the ground. Not even sure whether it was the road to her home. Yet she walked on. She didn’t care where it led.

The voices in her head wouldn’t quiet down today. The same pain that she dealt with every single day seemed to weigh a hundred ton more today and a million thoughts rushed through her mind. Being consumed by her own thoughts, she desperately struggled to find the “off” switch that night.

She stood at the edge of the cliff and was ready to jump. Even the tiniest thought could push the needle to the other side. The deadly side.

But it wasn’t her. It was someone else inside her. Someone else that got pleasure even by seeing the sharp razor in her father’s bathroom. Someone who once made her choke on 27 sleeping pills. Someone who made her buy the rope in her bag. She hated that someone more than anything in this world. Yet that someone was her only hope tonight.

She felt the thick tight rope through the thin denim bag and held on to it as though it was her last breath of air as she was drowning deep down. It was her only way out. A way to make the voices quiet down…forever.

She thought hard about why she should shove her bag into the nearest garbage bin but all she could think of was how beautiful the rope would look around her neck. How peaceful it would feel. It would make the perfect ‘rope necklace’.

She couldn’t hold back anymore. Laying all her faith in that someone in her who craved the heaven, she walked on.

Absent minded was how she was always. But tonight, a little too much maybe. A little too much to not even notice the pair of footsteps behind her. A little too lost in her thoughts to not know about the feet that stepped on her shadow.